I hope mine doesn't look like that
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
