well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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