these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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