Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
