I'm really into asian looking animals
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
and you fell through a lawn chair
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
