He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
