Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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