you will always have a special place in my vag
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
