I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
