Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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