Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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