Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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