video games are the ultimate cock blocker
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
