On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
