My liver just broke up with me...
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so let's talk penis.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
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