After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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