Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Randomize
