I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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