There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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