When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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