What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
