So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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