textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
