I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
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hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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