I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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