it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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