Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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