dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
