i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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