Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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