yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Randomize
