I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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