1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
