My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
it's like iHOP with fire
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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