why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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