i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
