I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
