I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I checked into jail on foursquare
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
