it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
