My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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