Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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