We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize