4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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