I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
