look no pants
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
