im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
