U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
