I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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