My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just pynch a tree in the face
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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