Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
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But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
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It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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