I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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