I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
