I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
