just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
