trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
