did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
