I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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