My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
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Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just blew my weed a kiss
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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